Two-hundred, twenty-nine thousand, three-hundred and eighty-two miles. That’s how far away the moon is tonight. And I can’t help but thinking it wouldn’t be that long of a drive, to the moon I mean. Well, if cars could drive up. But I guess those are spaceships and we couldn’t make it there by morning, well, not tomorrow morning, certainly not, but isn’t like the moon isn’t always there, even when we can’t see it. Really though, that seems so close. No this isn’t the prelude to a Rent song, if that’s what you’re thinking. Although now that fucking song is definitely stuck in my head.
So I guess how long it would take to drive there would depend on the speed limit but there probably aren’t a lot of space police between here in there. Seems like it’d be pretty rural. So, let’s just say, for shits and giggles, I can go 80mph. I mean, that seems safe enough, especially if the traffic is light. And, I’m only assuming here.
But, anyways, it would only take 119 days to get there. We’d have to drive in shifts and I’ll tack on an extra month in there for bathroom breaks and roadside adventures. Essentially, we could be at the moon by, realistically, December 14th. But if we ran into any other unknown hazards, that still gives us 8 days of cushion.
That’s because, great news!, we’re having your birthday party on the moon this year. I was going to wait to tell you, but we really have to get on the road if we’re going to make it in time.
Don’t worry, I can pack light. I’ll have to cut down on shoes of course. I’ll bring one of my fake converse slip-ons that you hate cause they’re so grungy. But, you can wear them with OR without socks and I feel like there isn’t too much room for socks. I’ll also have a pair of flip flops. And a pretty dress. What kind of party doesn’t have a pretty dress? Which will of course needs matching shoes, but that’s still only 3 pairs of shoes. And some fingernail polish, if they’re open-toed. Other than that, I’d grab some of those great $5 short-shorts, a few tank tops. My comfy jeans, the Neil’s Bar Mitzvah PJ pants. I need to stock up on some Vicky Cs panties, max that credit card out, cause I’m going to the moon, who gives a shit? And a hoodie, in case it gets cold there. I’ll bring the one with George Bush on it that says “Not my President.” It will remind me of Rocky while I’m gone and also be super ironic to wear on the moon. (The moon doesn’t even /have/ a president!)
I don’t know how close to the moon I can get before Verizon will drop my internet on my phone, so I’ll have to go old school and find all of my CDs. I can sneak into my mom’s house to grab them out of storage. We’re going to need good road tunes. David Bowie is a must. That spacey motherfucker.
You can bring your Cowboys t-shirt. I know it’s your favorite and I hate them, but as long as I find a Steve Miller Band CD, we can listen to “The Joker” so you’re some twisted form of a space cowboy. You’ll need your flip flops as well of course, even though I’m not a fan of man feet. Leave your steel toes behind, those grass-stained “tennis shoes” will be more than adequate. They probably don’t get as fancy on the moon as you do, but you can bring as many polos as you want, within reason. I like the plaid shorts. Whatever other pantage is up to you. And if you can find something that will effectively hide your thunder at Victoria’s Secret, you’re welcome to borrow my card. And we can’t forget your Oakley’s. It’s gonna be bright up there. I think… actually I don’t know if it will be more or less bright, but you look good in them, and it’s always better to be over-prepared.
But anyways, we’re running out of time. I feel like just getting this stuff together is going to take a day at least. I probably won’t be able to bake you a cake or anything once we get there, so you’re just going to have to go with some pre-packaged dessert. Word on the street is that Twinkies are back, if you’re a fan of those. And we’ll have a big-ass bag of pistachios. Enough dip and cigs to kill us. But I feel like we can deal with the water situation when we stop for gas.
Sure, we’ll have our moments on the drive. We’re bound to irritate each other at some point, maybe about turn signals or something. We’ll fix that with some good, old fashioned road head that I know you’ve been waiting for. There will be a lot of car singing and dancing. And we can play that game “I’m going on a picnic” where you have to guess the theme of the picnic based on the items. Have you ever played? If not, it isn’t too hard to pick up on. On second thought, I better bring a deck of cards as well. We need comfy pillows and my favorite blanket, you know the one.
So when do you think you’ll be ready to head out? It isn’t really too much stuff and we can take my car cause the brakes are better. I’ll clear out all the clutter first. This time for real I promise. We’re going to be packed in pretty tight as it is. But really when you think about it the drive is probably the best part. Just think of the scenery! Maybe I can get a digital camera that will charge in my car. Okay– that’s on the list now too.
Well, I’m ready if you are. Just a few more odds and ends. I’ll line up a sitter for Khendra and Cole and Kylie and we’re on the move. This plan may be beginning to seem extravagant, but it isn’t that big of a deal. We both could use some alone and get-to-know-each-other time. They’ll be plenty of that. And I know I’ll just like what I get to know more and more.
When we get there, well I don’t have a firm plan, but like I said with the Twinkies and fancy outfits. We can sit on the blanket. We should probably get some fancy cheese that doesn’t need to be refrigerated, and some crackers. If we can’t find non-perishable cheese, cheese wiz will have to do. But cheese wiz will be delicious on the moon. Eating cheese, on the moon, made of cheese! God this will be a story to tell the grand-kids! And plus, we have like the world’s biggest bouncy house at our disposal. I’ve got to bring back a moon rock for my mom. She’d kill me if I didn’t. Don’t let me forget that. So that sounds like a party to me. And we can sit down, or try to sit down, and finally be able see the ocean in all it’s glory. Making our little landmasses look insignificant. We could just sit and stare for hours, knowing that we’re almost controlling the tides.
And this has to be getting us closer to the stars. You know they’re out there. Now that’s a little more adventurous and I’ll probably need to figure out how to do a transmission flush on my car. But when we see all that is out there, that there is so much more, and even the ocean begins to look small, we’ll want to go further. Sure, I’m fine if you say you want to go back because it would still be a really cool trip, but I have a feeling our exploration won’t end there. It could go on into infinity. Because that’s what’s out there. Infinity is out there and the moon isn’t that far so if we could just get to the moon…
Have you packed your bags? I can pick you up wherever. Also, I won’t ruin the surprise, but I bought you a gift. (I actually need to go pick it up). I can’t give it to you til we get there. And no peeking in the car!
By the time the moon is full in a few days, we’ll only be two-hundred, twenty-one thousand, seven-hundred and two miles from the moon. It will look even bigger. And we’ll be that much closer. So are you going to be joining me or not? Time’s a wastin.